OK, so what does all that mean????????????????

I wish I knew!!!!! This is the question that I've heard over and over again since posting my blog yesterday. So here is my attempt to talk in non-medical lingo, bottom line-it so to speak. What MS does is destroy the insulation covering of nerves in the body which relay signals from the brain and spinal cord to the rest of the body. Once destroyed this covering cannot be regenerated and once lost the signals cannot be carried which results in places downstream not getting the instructions they need to feel normal. So what you are left with can show up as a variety of symptoms most commonly numbness, tingling, altered sensation, much like my original symptoms in my left hand, thumb, and 1st finger. Another primary symptom of MS is related specifically to the optic nerve (which carries b/w the brain and the eye to make you see). If that nerve covering becomes damaged or inflamed then it can translate to vision problems. The symptoms of MS vary widely from person to person in frequency and severity. It is considered a progressive, degenerative process which means that is usually gets gradually worse over a long time frame. Some cases are much more rapidly progressive than others but the majority of people fall into a category called relapsing-remitting MS which means that over time they have relapses where they suffer new symptoms which generally resolve completely. Then they go an undefined period of time feeling perfectly or very closely perfectly normal. MS does not carry the terrible prognosis that it did in years past as there have been several advances in treatment like I talked about which is targeted at prolonging the time b/w relapses or preventing them entirely. I will spare you all the more devastating symptoms that can be associated but are far less common. So what does this mean for me? It means that I will be taking medicine in the form of injections, much like people with diabetes take insulin shots, only mine will be 3x/wk rather than multiple times/day. It means that I have to take xtra care of myself to maintain good overall basic health. Some of the less serious but annoying issues are that heat can cause worsening of symptoms so being outside in OK on an August afternoon at the zoo probably isn't recommended, darn!! It means that I might get tired more easily than before and have some vague aches and pains. What it doesn't mean is that there is really anything that I can't do if I feel like it. It doesn't mean that my overall life span will be necessarily shorter than yours or anyone else who takes good care of themself. So it means that I could use all the love and support you have to give. Please don't be afraid to talk to me about it. I am still adjusting to the idea myself and while I know a lot, I don't really know how I am going to feel. What I've described above is based on what I've read from other people's experiences. After all, I've only officially been diagnosed for 72 hrs and I've only had symptoms for 3 mo. What I do know is that people live healthy, productive lives for decades with MS and you might just be surprised how many people you know or see each day that have it unbeknownst to you. So what I need is for you to be positive and remind me when the going gets tough just how much I have to live for in case I forget. I will tell you that as hard as it is to accept I know there is a plan in this beyond anything I can fathom b/c God is in control and He will see me through.

The long awaited diagnosis.....................

Well this isn't going to be an easy update for me but I want those who know and care about my family to know what's going on with us and more specifically with me. I've previously told you about my health concerns and the testing that came as a result. After an almost month-long wait and much anxiety I met with my neurologist last Friday. The short version is that the viral processes being considered have been ruled out which leaves us with a working diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. Apparently there is no 100% definitive test for MS but a very high percentage of people with MS have a certain antibody present in their spinal fluid and that antibody is present in my spinal fluid. In addition to that, I have one sclerosis on my MRI's. So the neurologist says technically I don't quality for the diagnosis of (multiple) sclerosis as I don't yet have multiple lesions but all things point toward that so I should consider beginning treatment. While this was certainly not what I wanted to hear, it wasn't as big of a shock as I suppose it could have been since I had been told several weeks ago this was a likely diagnosis. Still, it's not real until you hear it for sure. As you might imagine this has brought about an overwhelming emotional response as well as the practical response of what now. I've been angry, sad, scared, anxious, you name it, I've experienced it these past 48 hrs. Ironically enough, stress is a trigger for causing/worsening MS symptoms, so how does one deal with it and minimize the associated stress? I guess that's what I must learn to do. I have done a fair amt of reading and am well-versed in the medical realm of MS. Now I face the reality of applying that to my life and making the decisions regarding treatment. So what is treatment you are asking? Well my neurologist considers himself aggressive and based on what I have learned, I think we will get along well. You see while there are several new treatments for MS that weren't available just a few years ago, they only slow and/or prevent the progression of the process. The medicines cannot restore function already lost or cure lesions already present in the brain/spinal cord. (Multiple sclerosis is an autoimmune process where the body's own immune system attacks the healthy tissues of the brain/spinal cord, specifically the myelin sheath which protects the nerves that transmit impulses from your brain to your body.) So basically once the damage is done, there is no medicine at this time to make it better. Having said all that, it seems like a no brainer to me to get started with therapy ASAP. Despite that being my doc's recommendation he didn't think 5:00 on Friday afternoon after being hit with such a blow was the time for me to make a snap judgement. So I am to meet with him this week to set up a treatment plan. Meanwhile, my neurologist, while certainly qualified to treat me, is going to contact another neurologist here in OKC that treats only MS patients to see if he had any other suggestions or thoughts. It does seem that I am in the best hands possible. Back to what treatment is: treatment varies slightly but all are meds called interferons that mimic the immune system's good functions. They are given by injections, the one recommended to me is 3x/week. They do carry some risk of side effects, mostly flu-like symptoms, which supposedly are supposed to decrease in severity as your body adjusts to the medicine. There are of course other risks but apparently feeling overall crummy is the biggest thing for most people. So I am not excited about that but I am determined to do what I can to keep myself as healthy as possible. This is where the anger comes in sometimes when I think about all the people who don't take care of themselves and are just fine, when I consider myself a healthy person who works at it and this happened to me. At this time, doctors don't know what causes MS but have some ideas related to genetics, viruses, and other misc things. It is more common in women and in certain geographical areas farther away from the Equator. So now that you know more than the average person about MS, you have a piece of what I've been introduced to as the new state of the rest of my life. A little overwhelming isn't it?

So what has the rest of July encompassed for my brood? We did make it to Lake Murray for a few days and managed to have a good time despite the crowds and the 1st really HOT week of the summer. We came home a day early as we were laked out! We still had another day off work so Mark, Auntie KK, and I took the kiddos bowling, to a movie, and out to eat for a lazy family fun day. Good times were had by all, and best of all I beat my husband at bowling for the 1st time ever. He will tell you it was just b/c we had the bumpers out but hey winning is winning. I think Garrett came in 2nd if that tells you anything about how our game went, haha! After that it was back to work to try and make up for the lost days while I was laying flat on my back after the spinal tap. I can't remember if I told you but I did end up getting what is called a blood patch to cure my spinal headache. One of my dear anesthesiologist friends made time to place the patch via another needle in my spine, I'll spare you the details. Anyhoo, it fixed me right up and I've been good to go since. What a shame it took 6 days to find out I could have that done. Many thanks to my good doctor! With only a few weeks before school resumes we are trying to make the most of our remaining summer. The beginning of my treatment clouds the issue of our upcoming activities, not knowing how I am going to feel. So we will probably lay low and try to stay cool. I'm going to try and add some pics of our lake trip. Man it was hot. Funny how I've lived basically my whole life in OK and I manage to forget between summers just how hot it really gets here. Until next time......................

On a lighter note.................

Someday I will learn how to get the pics where I want them to show up in the post. I do not claim to be a computer guru as you can see by the quality of my posting. Just don't let the presentation overcome the news!! As you can see we have managed to have a busy June despite my medical mischief. Mark and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary with a night out to dinner/movie thanks to some of our great friends and my sister who watched the kiddos. We attended Mark's family reunion in Sallisaw and were able to leave the kids there for 4 days while I endured the bulk of my tests. Mark and I have continued to work as normal of a schedule as possible. While in Sallisaw for the family reunion we were able to spend a day at Lake Tenkiller which is where all the water shots are from. The others are just the kids being kids and enjoying the fabulous summer evenings we've been blessed with.
Hope the summer isn't passing you by and you are all taking the time to make the most of it. If there is anything my newfound perspective has taught me it is to make the most of every moment. Some people understand that better than others. I suppose it is a process for all of us as I must admit even my own understanding has grown significantly this past 6 weeks. We are planning to do a little more lake time next week if possible at Lake Murray which is a new destination for us. We are looking forward to time away. As always, more to come. I will try to share what I find out with you as I am able. Thanks to all who have been such a tremendous help these last several weeks. It means so much..........

When the going gets tough..............

Well things around here have been pretty challenging for me specifically and the family indirectly. You probably remember my mention of my left-hand numbness and pending MRI of my neck. Well in the last 3 weeks that MRI has been repeated with contrast, which brought about a consult with a neurologist, an MRI of my brain, and a spinal tap. As you may have figured out all of that brought with it a great deal of anxiety on my part with the what-if's and potential diagnoses. I wish I could spare you all and just tell you the answer but you will have to wait right alongside me. The working broad-spectrum, if you will, are 2 potential pathways, one being a diagnosis of an MS-like sydrome (multiple sclerosis) or something else called a viral transmyelitis. Now in general the latter of these 2 would be the preferable diagnosis with regard to the longterm picture. My neurologist has made me promise that I will not pursue info with regard to either of these until we have more info. The additional testing I mentioned earlier will provide the info needed to isolate out what is causing my symptoms and guide my future therapy. I would appreciate all your prayers as my family and I try to stay calm and remember who is in charge as this process unfolds.
This whole process has been just that, a long and drawn-out process of one test followed by waiting, uncertainty, a little info, anxiety, and then it starts all over again. Fortunately I have been connected with a great neurologist whom I love and have been very pleased with. As I write this, I am hope still trying to recover from my spinal tap, which is supposed to be a straight-forward inconvenience that people have everyday. That is unless you are the one having it. Now as nurse I can't tell you how many of these I have assisted with over the years but it is another issue entirely when it's your back the needle it going into. For that matter, enduring these last few weeks has taught me a lot about what it's like to be on the other side of the medical treatment. The Lord has certainly placed a few key people in my path who have been great but overall I have been disappointed in the very system that I pride myself on being a part of. It sure puts things into perspective but I could spend all day telling you about my newfound "perspective". Anyway I have encountered a complication of my spinal tap called a spinal headache which is when the hole poked into my spine through which to obtain the spinal fluid for testing doesn't immediately seal up and there is a slow leak of fluid. This is the very fluid that surrounds your brain and cushions it while you go about your everyday activities. Well you sure don't know what you've got until it's gone. While the body is constantly making more, it can't keep up and when you get into an upright position there is an unusual pressure placed on the blood vessels and nerves in your head thus creating the 'spinal headache'. This is eased greatly by just laying flat which may seem like a simple solution until you try to live your life flat on your back. For those of you that know what my day-to-day operations are like or can imagine, you know how challenging this is for me. Lest you think it's just a matter of getting on with things and overcoming a little headache, let me tell you this is an incapacitating headache like I've never known. Along with it you get some other fun side effects like nausea, dizziness, etc. So back to bed I go!

I keep reminding myself this too shall pass but my it's hard to see the big picture at times. Please remember me in your prayers that this will soon be behind me. I have 3 precious children and a sweet husband that I would like to take care of in the ways I am accustomed. In addition there is still the anxiety related to the ultimate diagnosis which we hope to have an answer to late this week, early next week. That too is always in the back of my mind!!

Here are some pics of what we've been up to around my medical journey as we try to make the summer as fun as possible for the kids while this unfolds.

Trying to download pictures.........

Tball may kill me.........but I think I might like it........

Well it was a nail-biter to the sweet, sweet end!! Garrett's tball team the Tornadoes played one of our last regular season games tonight against an undeafeated team which I suppose you could say is our rival. We had only previously lost one game so now since we won we are tied for 1st in the league. Being part of a winning team is a new experience for us. In the 2 seasons that Logan played he had fun but his teams were never that good. They mostly fought over the ball and just played in the dirt, like most tball players do!! However Garrett's team has had an awesome and dedicated coach who has really worked to team them the fundamentals and it has payed off. They are actually getting 3 outs before the run rule kicks in for the other team. Tonight was no exception of drama as fans (aka parents) got a little too excited and involved in the play calling. Our poor teenage ump didn't know what to do as he was yelled at, rather rudely at times I might add, as he really tried to be fair. There were missed calls for both teams but I think it was mostly a wash. We were proud of how our boys played and the best part is that they don't even really know if they win or really care. We have a few more regular season games and some makeup games so our season is far from over but I am personally about ready. Tonight was great with the cooler weather but those 6:15 games are getting a little warm.

Otherwise we've been busy with stuff going on around here. Two weeks ago my mom had surgery and I was busy taking care of her. She is well on the way to recovery and last week brought children's camp at church which Mark sponsored and Logan was priviledged to get to attend even though he isn't yet old enough. However, Logan, mature beyond his years fit in well and had a great time. I don't think I've ever seen the boy more exhausted though. They exciting news on Logan's front is that he prayed last Wed night to ask Jesus into his heart. What a joy to see the fruits of our labor to bring our children up in the Lord by seeing them come to a personal relationship with Him. Camp went well and Mark too was very tired but don't let him tell you he didn't have fun. Mark and I both reverted to our camp counselor history but it is just a little different than it was 13 yrs ago when we were 13 yrs younger. We still think of ourselves that way but reality is we're a little different, lots for the better though!

Addi Grace is along for the ride and staying out of danger for now. She has proven to be quite the water baby and is always bringing me her swimsuit and asking to go to the pool. She has turned into quite the talker as well and is never short on words. I am a little sad that now just about everyone can understand her and I am not the only one who can decode her private language.

I am having a little drama of my own with some recent onset of numbness and tingling in my left arm and hand. The docs didn't seem too concerned at first but as it hasn't resolved with basic treatment of antiinflammatories and steriods, I am scheduled for an MRI of my neck tomorrow. I certainly consider myself too young for this kind of thing so please keep me in your prayers. I am trying to stay calm and not let my nursing mind dream up problems that don't exist, ie brain tumors, etc. I'll keep you updated.

I am going to try and post some pics as my new camera is up and running. They will likely be recent hodgepodge so enjoy!! Another update to come sooner than the last!

Friday night in the big town............

Well long time, no post!! Spring has sprung and we are now quickly transitioning to summer mode. The weather has been so pleasant and the days getting so much longer, we are getting shorter on sleep and crankier by the day, as we count down the days until the end of school. The last month of school has been chock full of field trips, celebration days, super kids days, award ceremonies, teacher appreciation week, and on, and on. Quite frankly, it seems we quit having school about a month ago and we're all just coasting until May 22, 2008. Just in case you think I might be upset about this, NO I'M NOT!! I am loving these easygoing, no homework evenings as we are running around to t-ball games and end of the year events. Only 4 more days to go now, but who's counting? Logan has decided that he only wants to go to 2nd grade if he can have his same teacher. Logan has had one of the best 1st grade teachers on the planet this year and has really thrived under her teaching. He has become an avid reader and is currently reading on a 4th grade level. He rec'd the top speller award as well (following in his mother's footsteps with a natural ability to spell). He did not, however, win the penmanship award despite his ongoing efforts to teach himself to write in cursive. He has taken to school with ease and we couldn't be more pleased with his success this year. I know he's ready for a break and is excited about all the field trips he's getting to go on over the summer.
I am cutting back my days at work to 2/week for the summer to spend the most time possible with the kids. On those days the kids will continue to go to the daycare where they go after school now. They have a neat summer program for the boys with an "Around the World" theme this summer. The boys will get to go on trips to lots of fun places, have water/swim days, etc. It is not cheap but cheaper than I could take them most of those places as they get group discounts. I also promised the boys that I would take each of them separately wherever they wanted to go as a 1-on-1 day with mom. I am relishing the fact that at least for now this really excites them. I want to stay 'cool' as long as possible.
I had my first big episode of life lesson/accountability with Logan this past week. His school hosted a Ned's YOYO show (part of those crazy non-educational days we've been having) last week and of course there were yoyos to purchase for the bargain price of $6.50. Logan apparently mentioned this to his father who proceeded to tell him that he could use his own money (what money?) but he wasn't providing it. So Logan in his creativity basically pulled a fast one over on his sweet, unsuspecting brother by convincing him that he would share this 'really cool' yoyo if Garrett would give him the money to buy it. (Garrett just happened to have $6.50 in his piggy bank.) So the two of them gathered the funds, zipped it up in a zip-loc baggie, and stashed it away in Logan's backpack while mom was none the wiser. Unbeknownst to Logan I was looking through his backpack as I do every day and found the ziploc, counted the money, and not knowing what it was for, questioned it. When Logan became quiet and remorseful looking, I knew something was up. He reluctantly confessed what they had done. Now this discovery of mine happened in the morning on our way out the door to school so while I confiscated the yoyo fund, I simply reminded Logan that this was not ok and while I loved him none the less, we'd resolve it that evening. I must admit that as I was driving home from work several hrs later, after I had relaxed from my initial dislike of his dishonesty I was feeling somewhat softer and really dreading the confrontation ahead. It really is true what they say about punishment being harder on the parent that the child. I marched into the house determined to stick to my guns with the decision I'd made that morning to make the punishment suitable to the crime. Long story shorter, Logan was not allowed to purchase the yoyo even with his own money as he went about it the wrong way, lesson learned, another year shaved off mom's life.
I hope that with each of these parenting challenges I will become more hardened to the pain of punishment necessary for the ultimate good in the raising of my precious children. I know I've spoken recently of my own sadness as I am leaving my years as mother of preschoolers behind and transitioning to mother of school agers. I continue to reap the benefits of older children like more sleep, fewer diapers, independent seatbelt management, improved communication, etc, however the new challenges seem even bigger. Now I am trying to instill respect for authority, love for education, healthy lifestyle choices, prudent decision-making, etc, in a world that seems to teach just the opposite. WOW, what a huge responsibility.
I have had this book for a few years now that is by an author that wrote some books related to pregnancy and parenting of small children that I found both very humorous and helpful as I was passing through those years of my life. This book is entitled something like "Getting you Groove Back" and addresses many of the issues I am now encountering in my daily life. As I said I've had the book for a while now but have never actually read it b/c it didn't seem applicable until now. I've been reading it a little at a time as it has the tendency to make me even more crazy as she is bringing up issues that I am likely to face but just haven't come up yet. I guess forewarned is forearmed.
On a lighter note, I had a nice Mother's Day with my precious family. We went to church and came home for a quiet afternoon. Mark really tried hard this year and got me a great gift and coached the kids not to spill the beans before the big day. Garrett actually let it slip twice but the funny thing was he didn't even realize it. When I opened the gift he was like, "Isn't that the best surprise ever, Mom?" It was priceless! I've been reflecting on what it means to be a mom as I try every day to be an even better mom. I tend to beat myself up when I don't feel perfect but it leaves lots of room to do better the next day. I've really been taking it one day at a time and appreciating the small things, converations in the car, hugs when you least expect them, even growing together through life's lessons that require punishment.

I started a long time ago keeping a journal for each of my kids to jot down funny things they did as kids, special attachments, 1st favorite movies, etc. Just stuff that I know I won't remember down the road as my brain gets more and more crowded with information. As you might imagine, maintaining these journals is a chore in itself, so I am continually jotting down little blurbs on random post-it notes. These are a few of my random notes and thoughts related to the joy/pain of what it means/involves to be a mom.
1) Secretion manager: Moms are expected to be prepared to wipe, scoop, dry, or provide any other maintainance of secretions of any sort without generating a gag reflex. Fortunately God seems to build something into moms that makes the possible with your own kids, although it's a little harder with other people's kids. This week Addi was riding in the back of the van with her bubbas (something she loves to do) and Garrett says, "hey mom, Addi has a snotty nose and needs a tissue, no wait she's lickin' it, yep she got it all!"
2)Fashion coordinator: When a mom picks out clothing for the day, so much goes into that decision than meets the eye. For example when Mark picks out an outfit it is basically a shirt, pants, shoes and socks. They might match and they are generally weather appropriate. When a mom picks out the wardrobe for the day she is taking into account the events of the day-including potential to transition from general play to dinner out with company, weather -including OK sudden weather shifts, menu at school (no white on spaghetti day), P.E. day or not, school dress code, and lastly whether or not the child even likes that outfit b/c if they don't and you just bought it b/c you liked it and it looks nice they are guaranteed to complain!!
3)First Aid: (a big one at our house) You all know about Addi's recent misadventures with injuries so we are still on heightend alert with regards to her safety. The other day as I'm routinely transferring the laundry from washer to dryer, I hear a undisputable shriek from the living room where Garrett and Addi were actually playing harmoniously just seconds before as I passes through. I go running and am met by a very scared looking Garrett who is coming to get me dragging Addi along by one arm as they are leaving a trail of Addi's blood behind them. Apparently Addi was 'surfing' (being pushed by Garrett on one of my laundry baskets turned upside-down with Addi standing on top). The surfer landed on the pusher face first and proceeded to bite her tongue in 2 places, bloody her nose, and bust her top and bottom lips.....lots of blood. Besides looking like she was in a fist fight I am happy to say she's fine and making a speedy recovery, already surfing again!!
4)Time management- Coordinating the lives of 5 very busy individuals is one of my biggest jobs which brings me to my conclusion for tonight. It is 12:09 am and I need some sleep. More later, all my love,

Traci